I have a lot of questions, but not a lot of answers.
I haven’t been myself lately. The past few weeks I’ve noticed that the happy, funny, and quick thinking me has taken a backseat to an exhausted version of myself.
And I don’t know why.
I have been taking naps with Gracie in the afternoons. I go to bed way too late in the evenings and I oversleep in the mornings.
I have been spending way too much time on the computer, mindlessly surfing the internet. I have not been keeping up with housework and laundry and friends and email and the shopping like I should be. I have been tuning out my husband in the evenings.
I feel uneasy over things I cannot control, and for people I do not even know. I feel uneasy about the people in my own family. I am worried about the upcoming election, even though I usually pay very little attention to politics. My heart is broken for my interpeep Beth. I worry about my friends who are struggling right now, each with their own enormous problems. I worry about the health of my aging mom.
I am concerned about my older girls, and struggles they are having with girls at school. I do not know the right thing to say or the best advice to give. Why can’t I figure it out?
I am worried about my son and his constant nail biting. What is he so stressed about that he is biting his nails until they bleed? And why can’t I figure it out?
I am worried about Gracie and the fact that she is eating all the time. Is she looking for attention, or is it something else? She is sneaking food from the pantry, and she is lying about it. What is the root of this problem? And why can’t I figure it out?
The only thing I have figured out right now, is that I suck.
I feel completely out of sync with each of my kids. As a mother, I should know things that mothers know about their kids. And yet, right now, I feel completely in the dark. I don’t know how to fix anything.
And lately I’ve been too tired, and lazy, to try.
My husband does not have the gift of over thinking and over analyzing like I do. He thinks if Gracie is sneaking food, we should put a lock on the pantry. He thinks that if I stop calling attention to my sons nail biting, it will eventually stop. He told me people can bite their nails ‘just to bite them, there doesn’t have to be a deep rooted reason for it.’ He told me to stop looking for problems that aren’t there. But I must dwell on it. I must have a reason why. Why, why, why? I must analyze and think and re-think and re-play what I have done wrong and what I should be doing differently. Over and over again.
I want to stop feeling so worried and uneasy. I want to feel better. I want to be bustling around my house; busy and efficient. I want to know the right things to say when my kids are hurting and I want my motherly instinct to kick in and tell me what to do and how to help my children with the seasons they are in. I want me back.
Instead, I just feel lazy. Tired and lazy.
And guilty.
Why can’t I figure this out?
Posted: March 6th, 2008 under Parental Observations, Pondering.
Comments: 26
Comments
Comment from JanMary, N Ireland
Time: March 6, 2008, 4:43 am
No answers from me, just hugs and prayers.
Comment from Ellen
Time: March 6, 2008, 6:58 am
Lisa - You DO NOT suck. As you know, I struggle with the same feelings of inadequacy and failure - but it is not true. You are enough. Give yourself a break. And I’m always here if you want to talk. . .
Comment from Becky @ Boys Rule My Life
Time: March 6, 2008, 7:39 am
You don’t suck… at all! Life just sweeps us all away sometimes and as mothers we want our children to be happy and healthy - all the time - which never happens!
Take a break and just have some time for yourself. Find something that is just for you… not blogging - because sometimes it’s not for you it’s for our entertainment.
Also, if I can offer MHO without overstepping… go have your iron checked. Low iron can be the root to that tired sluggish feeling… (Pregnancy can make you feel that way, too? You said you were wanting another baby…)
Feel better. Try to get some sunshine.
Hugs,
Becky
Comment from Kari
Time: March 6, 2008, 8:19 am
It must be the winter blues or something, I have some of the same feelings right now. I have been totally lazy with my housekeeping lately and seem to have no patience with the kids. My oldest son is having some school/academic issues, so that has me completely stressed out. I cannot wait for spring. Hopefully that will give me the kick in the butt that I need. You are a great mother! Feel better soon.
Comment from Jul
Time: March 6, 2008, 8:42 am
Because above all you are human and you get tired and in an occasional funk.Unfortunately others rely on you so it affects them as well. It happens and you get through it and it does not make you bad- it makes you a person juggling many roles that just needs a break 
You are wonderful!
Comment from Chrissy
Time: March 6, 2008, 9:09 am
Lisa-You were chosen by God to be the mother to your children and he doesn’t make mistakes! You are right and you are enough of a mom for them! I really think the funk has more to do with weather than anything! You will know the right answers when they need them.
I’ll be praying for you!
Comment from Sister Honey Bunch
Time: March 6, 2008, 9:49 am
It sounds like classic situational depression. It is so hard to not stress and struggle and focus on those things and so you just shut. down.
Lift it up, sister. I will pray for you to be able to do that.
And, go for a walk and get some fresh air. Go to bed on time and eat good foods.Give it to God and turn off the computer and attack one cleaning project and complete it.
Comment from Traceytreasure
Time: March 6, 2008, 1:18 pm
Oh My, I do not think you suck! I wrote a book to help people feel better. I haven’t had it published yet but I’m trying very hard. If you want some advice from a mom of 4 (homeschooled to boot). Send me an e-mail. I love your friend Paula. I found you through her blog. Take good care. You may just have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) or something like that.
Comment from Amy @ By His Grace
Time: March 6, 2008, 1:27 pm
Give it to God and rely on Him to help you figure it all out. I’ll say a prayer for you, Lisa! Things will all work out!
Comment from staciesmadness
Time: March 6, 2008, 4:47 pm
omgosh, you sound like me. Bless your heart. HUGS
Comment from Kelly @ Love Well
Time: March 6, 2008, 5:39 pm
My heart has been heavy for you ever since I read this many hours ago, Lisa. I’ve been praying for you. But I’m concerned this is more than just a bad day; the symptoms you are listing are all classic symptoms for depression. Can you call a doctor and check it out?
No matter, please know that you do NOT suck at everything. Life is just overwhelming sometimes, for all of us.
Still praying.
Comment from Sarah is Ok
Time: March 6, 2008, 6:08 pm
I sure don’t think our weather helps. there’s just no sign of spring anywhere, unless you count when it warms up just enough to melt that huge amount of snow we got and then quickly freeze again so that you could actually skate your way to the grocery store. If I knew how to skate, I might try it for a blog post. I know this wasn’t the whole point, but I bit my nails as a kid just b/c. Nothing was wrong; it just seemed fun.
Comment from ValleyGirl
Time: March 6, 2008, 6:48 pm
I think everyone who’s commented here has pretty much covered my thoughts as well. YOU DO NOT SUCK, Lisa!!!! I think we all have those thoughts and feelings every now and again. Sometimes we need a little help from our doctor to get us through, and sometimes just a bit of time to ourselves. Either way, don’t be afraid to tell someone (who’s in a position to help) what you think you might need.
And of course, you have my prayers.
Comment from Jan
Time: March 6, 2008, 11:05 pm
What you’re experiencing sounds like depression. A lot can be done, talk to your Dr. Do not ignore what’s going on, it could be a simple fix, or take a bit more. We live in a wonderful age. Get some help.
Comment from Drama Mama
Time: March 6, 2008, 11:09 pm
Girlfriend-I am right there with you-
While your insecurities are over parenting, mine are over my job- for the past 2.5 years I have been struggling with job related circumstances 100% COMPLETELY out of my control! I plan to post about it soon-
I pray EVERY single day for God to give me peace in my mind-I cry and pray, cry and pray….. I want to enjoy my life and my children- not worry 24/7 about my dumb job! It’s killing me- Literally- I can’t let it go- and I too live with a laid back husband- Sounds like we could relate on so many levels-
Comment from Laura
Time: March 7, 2008, 1:10 am
Saying a prayer that you are able to get the help you need and that you’ll draw on God’s comforting presence for peace.
Comment from sheila
Time: March 7, 2008, 7:00 am
great advice from all.You were on my mind for much of the day, yesterday after reading your thoughts and concerns.It sounds like you are depressed-we’ve all heard those commercials, right?- we know the signs..it could be a short term mild case of the blues that will pass in no time or it could be a hormonal chemical imbalance…if it lasts too long i’d go get it checked out.
One thing that has really helped me stay focused, though it’s sometimes hard to do, is realize that our children are who they are; they are sent to us with their own little personalities, then life happens,good & bad & these individual personalities handle things in sometimes healthy ways and sometimes not so healthy. we are the ones chosen to guide and teach them along the way. They are who they are, and you are not the cause of every little imperfection they need to work through,nor can you control it really(that was a hard one for me to learn) instead you are the happy place for them, the source of love and securtiy as you help them work thing out. Just love them and then love them some more while you try to help. Every single person/family has these things; you are equipted to deal with it and still be able to be happy-
Comment from Holly
Time: March 7, 2008, 9:14 am
First…big old HUG to you! You are not alone in your ponderings and worries. I find myself over thinking things at times, yet not feeling motivated to actually DO anything. I feel numb or blah at times. Your post touched my heart and I related so well to your thoughts. I appreciate your honesty.
Comment from Jennifer
Time: March 7, 2008, 9:49 am
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. As mom’s, I do think we all question our abilities. And gol darn it…where is that handbook on raising children?! Anyway, just love them and do the best you can…that’s all any of us can do. Also, I know it’s terribly hard… but have faith that you are doing right! We all have faith in you! I was up letting the pups out at 3:00 am…and I again thought of your post and how sad it was…. said a little prayer for you, and fell back asleep.
One more thing…don’t be concerned about your readers. It’s YOUR blog…it’s a way to journal your own thoughts…if people read it, who cares. It’s yours - you can write about anything and everything! And your loyal readers will read no matter what!
I hope today is a better day!
Smiles, and lots of hugs!~
Jen
Comment from Jess
Time: March 7, 2008, 10:12 am
Lisa, I admire your honesty so much. You put into words what so many of feel on any given day. I’ve been feeling the same way lately…like I’m just not quite “enough” on so many different levels.
From reading your blog, I feel a kinship with you. I think you are an amazing woman and an awesome mom, and your kiddos are so lucky to have you as their mom. I know there are a lot of down days, but I also know there isn’t a day that goes by that you don’t realize how incredibly blessed you are.
Enjoy your date night with your hubby. Sounds like some down-time is just what you need, so have fun!
Jess
Comment from Ern
Time: March 7, 2008, 10:55 am
Lisa, I know exactly how you feel. Most mornings it takes all my energy to get up and then will power to not go back to bed as soon as the kids leave. I swear to you that it is this crappy weather. Think about it. We have had one of the top 10 snowiest winters in Chicago history, next to no sunshine and below average temps for 3 months now. After the “nice” weather on Sunday, I felt better. And then I got up Monday and it was freezing and I was depressed and exhausted and went back to bed. We NEED some warmth and sunshine around here. If you’re anything like me right now, you are desperate for tank tops, flip flops and days hanging out on the drive way with the neighbors while the kids are playing! It’s coming. Not soon, but it’ll be here. Promise.
Comment from Christie
Time: March 7, 2008, 12:21 pm
I have no answers for you because I do the same thing. ALL.THE.TIME. I worry about everything and find myself consumed with it and powerless to do anything about it. I think it’s all just life sometimes, and when we’re down, we do the best we can until things get better. Don’t beat yourself up. You’re a great mom. Just keep trying!
Comment from Jill
Time: March 7, 2008, 3:31 pm
Lisa, I’m a day late in reading this but I feel for you. I’ve been in a bit of a funk myself…definitely tune out my husband more than I should. I own my own business and work 50+ hrs a week + kids + keeping the house, etc. I feel so overwhelmed. Then my husband got laid off from his job yesterday :o( I don’t know you personally, but I am certain you don’t suck. ‘Cause if you suck, then I suck, since we feel the same way. And I don’t wanna suck. Some warmer weather and sunshine will help, huh??? And, I keep telling myself if I would just EXERCISE and get those endorphins rushing, it would do me a world of good. Wanna run down here to Georgia and go out for a margarita? :o)
Comment from Hannah Specter
Time: March 7, 2008, 7:58 pm
don’t you hate that, when you think so hard that your head still hurts and you can’t figure out how to fix everything. I know how that feels. Sometimes you just can’t fix it.
I totally relate to being sucked into the computer wasteland. We even had our first progressive story titled In the Blogosphere No One Can Hear You Scream. Not sure which way its going to go since we pass it around but the title totally came from how easily your time can get sucked away.
Sounds like you’re feeling better today however.
Comment from LifeAsIKnowIt
Time: March 10, 2008, 2:50 pm
Hoping you feel better soon.
I feel exactly as you described from January to March and then start to come out of it as spring arrives. Totally a seasonal thing.
Hoping you start to feel more like yourself soon.
Comment from New Diva on the Blog
Time: March 11, 2008, 4:53 pm
You haven’t figured it out yet because you have never been the mom to any of your children at this age yet, you are learning right along with them every day. You love them and you want the best for them and when you are supposed to figure it out you will. You most certainly DO NOT SUCK. The shear fact that you dwell and worry like you do is proof that you want to be the best you can for your children. Try to give yourself a little break, we all need them sometimes.
And, yes I am talking to myself right along with you.
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