She is me.
Someone in my house is up early this morning. Hours before her alarm went off she lay in bed, eyes wide open, listening for it.
Her tummy is nervous and her heart beats fast. She gave up trying to go back to sleep awhile ago, it was a fitful sleep anyway, she tossed and turned and was up checking the clock every few hours. At 4:15 she got up.
She is filled with anticipation and dread about the first day of school.
And even though she has been waiting for this day to come since the bell rang on the last day of school in June, now that it is here, she wished that it wasn’t.
Because I am not ready to let them go.
Eight hours ago I was giddy with excitement to have the kids tucked in bed so early and structure and routine back in our lives. Because while summertime is always a wonderful, much needed break, it wreaks havoc on me.
It takes my to do lists, my shopping schedule, my laundry time, my daily floor cleaning routine and my weekly breakfast out and throws them right out the window.
It replaces all the things I usually do with all the things that I should do: laugh with my children, hang out and be still with the ones I love, spend plenty of time outside with the beautiful world I live in, delight in my life and the ones I share it with, swim, travel, watch movies, read books, play with friends, invite people over, and do it all with four extensions of myself constantly underfoot. These are things that take my time in the summer.
Eight hours later, here I sit. Nervous to send those four extensions of myself out into the world, again, by themselves. Sending them off to be away from me for eight hours everyday is like ripping my heart out and watching it walk down the street by itself while I sit home empty and waiting. Because as much as the tattling, fighting, bickering, wet beach towels, constant parade in and out of the kitchen and lack of time alone starts to bother me after a few months, what bothers me even more is the not knowing.
I don’t do well with the not knowing. Because I like to know.
I like to know what my kids are doing and when they are doing it.
I like to know when some kid didn’t share a ball on the playground and I like to know when they had trouble getting something in their lunchbox open. I like to know when they said something to someone and that person didn’t answer back. I like to know when the teacher didn’t call on them, and when she did. I like to know when so-and-so didn’t want to be their partner and I like to know when they were chosen to say the Pledge. I like to know when they’ve made me proud by being a good friend and I like to know when they have done something I am not proud of. I like to know when they are quiet and acting not quite like themselves, and I like to know when they are happy and laughing and feeling great surrounded by friends. I like to know when they struggle. I like to know when the succeed. I like to know what they are doing and when they are doing it.
I want to share everyday triumphs with them as they happen, not hours later when they come home and maybe remember to tell me about it.
I want to be there for all it.
Which should not be confused with me not wanting them to be at school.
Because I want that too.
I just want it to not be so hard.
Posted: August 25th, 2008 under Growing Up, I Should Be Sleeping.
Comments: 18
Comments
Comment from Jen@ODBT
Time: August 25, 2008, 5:33 am
You are feeling exactly what I’m anticipating (our 1st day is next week). I like to know too! Good luck today.
Comment from the roost
Time: August 25, 2008, 6:17 am
Oh how I remember everything you wrote (SO beautifully) as if it were yesterday…Really it prepares us for letting go….. little by little. It is so hard but letting go was designed by a loving heavenly Father. His perfect plan. Just remember NO one EVER forgot their mom and the impact she make on their live.
Comment from Jess
Time: August 25, 2008, 6:24 am
Reading this made me cry, because you literally took the thoughts right out of my head. My oldest heads back to school on Wednesday, and my youngest starts preschool next week, and while they are very excited, I am a weepy mess. Like you, I like to know all of the little details, good and bad. I miss them so much when they aren’t here with me, even though I know they will do just fine. This letting go stuff sucks.
Hang in there.
Jess
Comment from kristen@nosmallthing
Time: August 25, 2008, 6:56 am
Yep, I’m totally with you. It almost –ALMOST– makes me want to homeschool. 
Our first day is next tuesday and my stomach is just in knots about it.
Your post could have been written by me, seriously.
Comment from Cindy
Time: August 25, 2008, 7:01 am
Yup.
Ditto all that. Just sent all four off to public school after years of homeschooling. I am HATING the not knowing and the having to wait 8 hours to celebrate or to comfort. I suppose that is one reason homeschooling was so wonderful for me. But I’m also looking forward to this new season. Like you, I just wish it wasn’t so hard.
Comment from Spin
Time: August 25, 2008, 7:17 am
I am so with you on all that. I just really like my kids with me. Summer is NEVER long enough and now I have a Senior and she will be off. sadness.
Ok the synchro makeup is a crack up and sort of cracky. but i am glad to know that there is waterproof makeup that really is waterproof. sort of looks like what a clown might use.
Comment from Heather of the EO
Time: August 25, 2008, 8:18 am
My two are quite small, but I can still relate. You said it so well here, I imagine that’s how it will be for me too. I like to shelter a bit much and KNOW. It must be so hard to let go and trust they’ll be okay.
Peace to you today,
Heather
Comment from Nicole@OnTheRun
Time: August 25, 2008, 8:41 am
I think I said, “Mmm Hmm” 27 times while reading that.
Well (but painfully) said!
Comment from Queen B
Time: August 25, 2008, 8:50 am
I feel the exact same way. My daughter starts tomorrow, and I was up at the crack of dawn this morning…my tummy anxious.
(While she slept peacefully, I might add.)
I don’t want to miss a minute of her day, yet I want her to be able to stand on her own.
I hope their (and your) first day back is wonderful.
Comment from sheila
Time: August 25, 2008, 8:50 am
i hear ya and i want to know sometimes too….funny thing is, ive found it better sometimes, that i don’t know….just let them work it out and it will all be fine in the end.
Comment from Kelly @ Love Well
Time: August 25, 2008, 8:59 am
Oh I relate to this. (Except for the getting up at 4:15 part.)
When Natalie started first grade last year, the thought hit me that I know wouldn’t KNOW everything. I wouldn’t know the little stories about her day. I wouldn’t know how she interacted with her new classmates. I wouldn’t know if she ate all her lunch or just threw it away.
ACK! For just a moment, homeschooling appealed to me.
It’s hard to not be in the know.
Comment from Becky
Time: August 25, 2008, 10:35 am
Isn’t it funny how we are so anxious for them to go back to school but then when it’s time we get a little worried. I like having the structure back in our lives but I was worried so much about my youngest starting a new school. You can only hope that they can make friends, that no one will bully them and that they will fit in.
But really we have nothing to worry about because they can handle themselves. At least that’s what my boy is telling me.
Comment from JanMary, N Ireland
Time: August 25, 2008, 11:48 am
My dd2 was in tears last week, because we have had such a lovely summer and says she loves being with me, and will miss me when she is back at school. We got through the tears with some giggling when I suggested I could hide under her desk, and maybe her teacher would not notice.
Maybe there was more wisdom in that than I realised!
It will be a tough day for all of us for many different reasons (including the teachers!)
Comment from chickadee
Time: August 25, 2008, 4:05 pm
that’s so sweet. i think we feel that way no matter where our kids are. i am so thankful i get to spend each day with my kids, though just a few minutes ago i told them to get outside before i go crazy.
Comment from Pattik
Time: August 25, 2008, 6:55 pm
What lucky children to have such a wonderful
Mom! Great post.
Comment from Jill
Time: August 25, 2008, 8:16 pm
Oh, I know.. I KNOW! It’s so hard, so exciting, so unknown and so fun all rolled into one. I hope it went well.
Comment from rrmama
Time: August 25, 2008, 8:37 pm
I feel the exact same way. My only comfort is Hubs is teacher on the same campus as my oldest. Youngest is still to young for school. So he pokes his head in quite often. And things happen whether it’s good or bad, he usually calls me. But in three years, all will be different.
Comment from Traceytreasure
Time: August 26, 2008, 4:15 pm
My thoughts are with you. It was so hard for me to send them to school, that I just couldn’t do it! Now our son is driving, working and it’s very hard to see him go. I remember crying his Freshman year when he was traveling down South with the golf team, it was the first time that we’d been apart. (Please don’t tell him about that!) I was so sad that he’d be old enough to leave home in 4 years if he wanted to. It’s really hard growing up! I hate it!!
Big hugs and thank for your visit today. You made my day!!
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